Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
