The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Randomize
