When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Randomize
