Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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