i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Randomize
