My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
