Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
