I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
