Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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