Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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