I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
