It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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