So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
