I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
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