I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
