I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
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