I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
