I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Randomize
