went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
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