Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Randomize
