dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
