He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
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