it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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