I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I am naked and annoyed.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
