my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
