if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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