My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
