I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
I love you so must. You as do fraty. You are truly my veste breakable (ties I wtf racket Andover). Luce you. Have a safe drive bio dough failover.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Randomize
