I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Randomize
