Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
