She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
