Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
