the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
