how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
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