I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
How's work?
Spinning.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
