I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
