He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
How's work?
Spinning.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
What a dumb baby whore.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
