My sheets look like a crime scene.
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
My Yahoo Answers account was suspended. Apparently I answered "I like chicks who do anal" to over 100 questions last night.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Randomize
