You're earring is so big in my mouth
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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