I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
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