I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
