This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
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