there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
