DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
