I accidentally burped into my bong.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
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