shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
