OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
