I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
