i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Randomize
