i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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