I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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